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[26 Apr 2003|05:17pm]

For the past month or so, I've been having major trouble on and off with anxiety/panic. Lately, I've also becaome somewhat fearful of things that wouldn't normally scare me (ie:my bedroom, my boyfriend...ridiculous things. I'm just at my wits end.) I think this latest symptom might be a manifestation of the complete confusion I've been feeling in relation to all this...sort of like a constant reminder that nothing is certain, making me doubt myself and everything i've held as a constant in my life.

The anxiety has flared up again, and all the signs point to some kind of spiritual transformation. My boyfriend thinks I need to reinvent myself, like I've kinda outgrown my current (cerebrally-oriented) persona. This morning, I gave myself a (surprisingly accurate) tarot reading about the situation. I did a small three card spread, past-present-future. The past card was Justice, the present the High Priestess, and the future Five of Wands. I know that the reading made sense to me based on the interpretations given in A Witch's Tarot, but truth be told I'm not very adept at Tarot. Anyway, I'm reasonably sure that something's changing within me, and I need some tips on how to ease the tension that's coming along with it. I'm having trouble finding a starting point to just jump into it, and I've suddenly started to fear life in a way that I never have before. It's a vicious cycle...anxiety and trepidation are not conducive to 'getting over the hump', so to speak, and I need to find a way to keep them calm so I can 1. function like a normal person in the interim, and perhaps find some degree of contentment to keep my hope going. and 2. Move past this and learn something. I'm not asking anyone to do this for me, I just feel like I might need to 'unstick' myself a little bit. Maybe it's all a part of some grand lesson, maybe it's self-defeating behavior at its most vicious...either way, I need to progress and I'm not entirley sure how to do it.

If anyone else has experienced anything like this, please share your thoughts if you will. It'd be much appreciated.
#3 lifespark litanies| step into the spiral

What if Don Quixiote had been a Shoggoth? [01 Mar 2003|01:08pm]

[ mood | good ]

If Don Quixiote had been a Shoggoth,
or even half a Shoggoth,
then it's sure,
nay, it's certain,
that he would not have taken
such a beating
and a pounding
would he have been
so often,
so embarrasingly
in the inn
(sorry, castle),

And you can be sure,
that the innkeeper
would have been much
much more reticent
at asking for payment,
and would lose a
few sanity into the bargain.

If Don Quixiote had been a shoggoth,
the might of his arm would have been much
mightier. But, more worrying still...
What if Sancho was a Shoggoth too?


Gods only know. Don't blame me.


step into the spiral

[04 Oct 2002|08:33am]

I think I have an idea of humanities importance. Maybe. And please, don't just go 'that's a generalisation', especially because this theory isn't particularly sound.

Anyway, the train of thought started last time I was in London, when I realised that it SHOULD be almost completely dead, with maybe the odd area in the parks and a few people wandering around strong enough to feel, but that it actually wasn't. It wasn't the same type of power, not the same type of earth's blood that can be drawn up out of nature, because that's chaotic and primal (obviously), wheras this was structured so it couldn't be used.

After much random thought (most of it directed at what makes a place lose it's power, a line I then gave up on), I had the realisation (finally), that since fae usually cannot live without the primal earth's blood type power for long, it really had to be something to do with the humans (yes, it took me far to long to realise that. I'm biased.) Again, after much random thought, it came to me that they must be shaping that force (I would imagine with their dreams, hopes, fears and other cliche stuff). OK, just realised quite how cliche this actually is...sorry. But anyway, possibly humans are so important in the scheme of things precisely because they are taking the earth's energy and turning into beautiful things? Well, or are supposed to be, rather than simply taking the earth's energy and polluting her with it....

#3 lifespark litanies| step into the spiral

sorry for the advertisement...but I figured it was worth a try. [28 Sep 2002|02:06pm]

I apologize for the obnoxiousness. I couldn't think of anything more creative at the moment. I've created a meeting place for all pagans and other interested individuals in the NJ area. I've just started setting it up, and I'd like some input before I complete the info page. (I have a definitebend toward a combination of shamanism and wicca, and I don't want to accidentally word the profile page that way.)

But anyway, the community's here and waiting for members. :)

Pagan New Jersey
step into the spiral

Morality. [04 Jul 2002|11:38am]

Ok...fair warning. I may ramble, and my arguements may be incoherant.
There are also two predicates for the arguements, which if not accepted, destroy the arguement, so please don't post criticism based on these two points (except to debate them in and off themselves) because I know the arguement relies on them:-
1);- Good and Evil are subjective concepts, until and if we know the absolute definitions of each - everyone thinks that they are doing 'good', even if no-one else agrees.

2:- There is some form of supreme guiding/creating will behind existence. (ie 'God' in some form or another).

Ok:- Firstly, moral law. Is it actually possible to violate moral law while still remaining within your nature? I don't think so - because that nature was created by the supreme being to be as it is - and so by following it, you are surely following the 'morally correct' path. Of course, if the supreme being doesn't know the absolute meaning of morality either, then you have a problem, but still. This has two associated problems:- firstly, to determine whether you are acting 'correctly' - i.e. within your nature, you actually have to know what that nature is - and I don't think many people can claim to say that, beyond a few words (eg 'artist'). The second problem is that it can be used as a claim that all actions are moral - here, though, there is an answer, because although following our basic natures may be moral, misinterpreting the needs of that nature is not - take Hitler, for example (I can't think of a less blantant one at the moment, sorry). Now, assume that his 'nature' was loyality to his friends, patriotism, and mysticism (among other things, obviously). Following these, as he did, he would have been acting 'morally'. However, he took these to extremes, and created a cult religion, and tried to set up his country as the preminant amongst all others - not to mention killing millions of people. Hence, he did not act morally. Unfortunatly, it can be argued that certain people (such as murderers, or warmongers) are acting within their nature, and so, according to the above theory, are acting morally. This is a problem I haven't worked out as yet.
The other side of the coin, then, is social law. Since we cannot ever hope to understand absolute moral law, nor can we objectively determine someone's nature, some other system had to be developed - social law. This is the more straightforward part, since everyone is familiar with their countries laws.
The real question, though, is in daily life, which should be considered the more important? What you feel to be morally correct, or what the majority feel to be morally correct, as expressed through social law?

Did that even make sense?

#7 lifespark litanies| step into the spiral

[03 Jul 2002|10:37pm]

hello, i'm new here. :) i found out about this community through a friend's similar interest, and was graciously accepted in.

my relationships with people, other than my relationship with myself, has to be one of the most difficult things in my life. of course, relationships are great & beautiful things, but they're so huge & important & vital that it sometimes scares me. i don't want to screw up.

i just always want to do "the right thing" and try to be nice and kind to everyone, but do you think there's a faint line of kindness that one shouldn't cross? like perhaps one should only be kind and altruistic to a certain extent because other people can take advantage of you, and even though it's often very superficial on their part, if you put up with this person too much or care about this person too much and let it affect you because you love them, it can delay with your evolution or what you need.

do you think it's ok to "turn the other cheek" or do you think that you should stay a bit defensive to "protect yourself" from the "real world"? do you think that truly happy and confident people don't have to "defend" themselves through putting up a barrier (ex: gandhi, jesus, etc.)? do you think that one shouldn't think about the matter and should just let it be and naturally respond rather than be aware?

i think that vulnerability scares a lot of people, including myself. and i think that often it's a matter of staying away from that whole "superiority-minority" complex (which nietzche also called "slave and master morality"). but it's so hard! :/

i'd love to hear what you feel / think about the matter. :)
#3 lifespark litanies| step into the spiral

wondering..... [01 Jun 2002|12:13am]

[ mood | empty ]

sometimes you think life has handed you a crap deal of cards to play with. you wiggle your way around and learn to play the game better as you grow older. what about those who are so hurt, so abused, so torn up inside they don't know whether they're coming or going. those who have begun to confuse reality with dreams and think them all real and themselves sane. they think maybe, just maybe they have a purpose here. they don't have the guts to kill themselves. can't go giving into everyone's whim and whispers. "oh, she'll never succeed." "she's nothing" no, they can do that. succumbing into a world of darkness every morn. sinking into tranquility found within dream waves. sleeping pills to stay asleep, pain killer hoping to numb the pain. nothing ever seems sane anymore. the world..seems so emtpy..going from darkness back into darkness. that is where we see. or do we ever? ever see beyond what most perceive. cutting flesh doesn't help heal the heart once the heart scars over so much there's nothing left but scars upon scars. scarling... so young..maybe things will change? is hope the thing that feeds us? leads us into destruction? blatant reality sucks. who says what is real? are we really here? or just a figment of our own figmented imagination. do we make ourselves exist? cause our own pain and heartache? cause our own love and luck? fate...friend or foe? reality or dream? us, or them? can we use all of our cards right before slipping away back into oblivion?

#1 lifespark litany| step into the spiral

[04 May 2002|10:32am]

I was wondering ....

do you think people are born with an innate sense of spirituality, or do they have to be taught it?
#12 lifespark litanies| step into the spiral

[27 Apr 2002|02:16pm]

This was the opening of an address by former-Archbishop Desmond Tutu at a conference called "Ending the Occupation" on the 13th:

"God is weeping over what he sees in the Middle East. God has no-one except ourselves, absolutely no-one. God is omnipotent, all-powerful, but also impotent. God does not dispatch lightning bolts to remove tyrants, as we might have hoped he would. God waits for you, for you to act. You are his partner. God is as weak as the weakest of his partners, or as strong as the morally strongest."

I know very few of the people reading this - if any - believe in the Christian idea of God (and nor do I precisely) but this struck a chord with me. I do definitely believe in some kind of infinite divine spirit. There is evidently more to life than the material world and I feel this could not be without some sort of eternal source. I call him/her "God" but only because of my upbringing, and certainly I do not ascribe to her (s/he seems to have more female than male characteristics to me, although obviously s/he transcends gender) the ferocious and distant characteristics of the Christian God. This article seems remarkably perceptive. Obviously the infinite source of the soul, love and goodness will have a certain amount of power, but I've always felt this was somewhat reliant on those of us who have a physical existence. I suggested to Anna a couple of days ago that God was perhaps a child, (for an immortal being, the life of the universe thus far means God certainly cannot be old yet) her innocence torn as she realises the mistakes she has made, desperately hoping our foolish race will listen to her pleas to right things. But she cannot touch it herself. Partnership is the right word exactly to describe it. Well, that's how it seems to me. Thoughts?
#13 lifespark litanies| step into the spiral

Oh no! [26 Apr 2002|06:54pm]

Both me and my mum had the same dream tonigh.
We dreamed that my grandfather died.
We discovered it by coincidence.
I'm so scared...
#4 lifespark litanies| step into the spiral

Mohandas K Gandhi [23 Apr 2002|03:19pm]
[ mood | busy ]

"The seeker after truth must be humbler than the dust. The world crushes the dust under its feet, but the seeker of truth should be so humble himself that even the dust could crush him."

#1 lifespark litany| step into the spiral

[23 Apr 2002|03:05pm]
hi, andi's here. she's very sad.
i'm wondering how you cope with the feelings when you don't actually feel anything.
i wonder if i'm the only one with that kind of feelings.
but they're the most sad feelings one can have.
and that's how i'm feeling at the moment.
but now i have to go home.
#3 lifespark litanies| step into the spiral

[22 Apr 2002|11:34pm]

[ mood | serene ]

Welcome to ~lifespark. I really hope this thing kicks off ... I want this to be exciting and inspiring and beautiful and addictive and that's probably asking too much but ... hey, it's summer and it's gorgeous outside. I'm going to go play tennis and watch the sky.

#4 lifespark litanies| step into the spiral

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